Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Guilt trip V9.52


A call came in late this evening. The caller ID indicated that it was my aunt Lorraine. And the first few sentences that she blared out was: "How
come you never come back? You have forsaken me, bla-bla-bla..."I was in the middle of a discussion and told her that I have been really busy over the past one month. Then, the
question about moolah came."Why you never send money over?, You think I can survive on my pension, bla-bla-bla.." I have been bombarded
with guilt trips ever since I moved out of her home.There, I stayed for nearly three decades. Technically-speaking, she took the role of my mother. While I was
squatting at her home, I became her constant victim of endless guilt trips. "When are you going to move out of here! You #$%&*! parasite!", "Your father is a useless bugger!#$@!" and
over the years, I have learned to turn a deaf ear. Embittered by rage and hardened by life's ardous journey, my 71-year-old aunt has been a sucker her entire life.
For some strange reasons, she always trusted the wrong people.No mention was made to those who have fleeced her over the years and sadly, the people whom she cared the
most - are the scums of the earth.Nevertheless, I guess she had recovered from her financial rut and is now actively travelling. Her phone call was
to inform me that she is leaving for Korea tomorrow night."How come you never call? Are you busy ah? How are the dogs? bla-bla-bla.." As long as she is still breathing, I
will constantly be pounded with guilt and the fact that I have never measured up to her expectations. In plain view, I am a loser in aunt Lorrain's universe. That don't bother me at all because I have grown immune to
her sarcasm and constant sizing up.Another guilt trip that she always throws at me - is my father. Since young, they have never gotten along.
Biologically-speaking, they are the only children of Chong Man, my paternal grandfather.What she saw in my old man was pure unadulterated hate. And through the years of abuse, neglect,
estrangement, my aunt had grown cold over my old man.And yet, she constantly asks about him. "How is he doing ah? Did you see him? bla-bla-bla.." All this guilt was
lumped at me.Have I been a good son? Well, to sum it up, no. Since my father had admitted himself into social care, I have
never kept in touch with him.Why? I have my reasons. He is taking advantage of the welfare system by saying that he has no family. I guess
that was the final straw. I invited him to stay with me. He resisted by saying that he wanted his own freedom. That came with a high price.
I spent a bundle relocating him after his partner of 25 years passed away.Way I see it, he had carried his legacy forward and is now living the final years of his life. What has he achieved?
Nothing. It would take a miracle for the siblings to patch up. But I guess with the hostility and constant denial, this
won't happen in my lifetime.What I learned here is this: be nice. Over the course of 20 years, I have treated them nicely. I put a large TV,
upgraded kitchen utensils and much more for my aunt. And what did I get? More guilt trips. In her eyes, no matter how much I have done to alleviate her sufferings, I am
still a pain in the ass, the son of a man who wrecked her life.Such - will be the burden that I will have to bear till the end of my existance. Can I heck it? Oh yes. I can live with
that because I have done in my best interest to provide as much as I can.The only thing that I can do - is to give her a bungalow, a nice luxury car and a team of maid to take care of her
household.
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